


The Fifth Time (or How Erwin Finally Got An Answer to His Question)

by queenofcats



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: A lot of suicides, All are Erwin's, And Levi ends up homeless, Angst and Fluff, Erwin is a poor dear, M/M, Reincarnation, So yeah, Towards the end Erwin is so done, i guess, sad shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 03:42:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4904257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofcats/pseuds/queenofcats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin Smith is reincarnated, and every single time, he misses Levi somehow. All he wants is an answer to his question.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fifth Time (or How Erwin Finally Got An Answer to His Question)

-

The first time Erwin Smith was reincarnated, he vowed he would find Levi. He would find him, and they would pick up where they left off.

The last thing he remembered was being about to cry, as Levi tried to answer his question with the last heavy breaths he could manage. After Levi had gone, Erwin didn’t see the point in living.

But, Levi _would_ answer his question.

He had to.

And that meant that Erwin would have to find him.

It took him a few years, well, about 34, before he actually found Levi, but it was no good.

He was working as a doctor, specialising in children, those with terminal illnesses. His trick was to tell them stories of his past life, showing them that what they thought was the end was really only the beginning.

A nurse walked into his office one day, pushing a small boy in a wheelchair. The nurse smiled as they approached Erwin’s desk.

“Hey there, Dr Smith, I hope you’re not busy or anything, but I have someone I want you to meet. This brave young man is Levi. He’s coming to your ward for the first time today, and he’s a little scared.” they said, letting go of the wheelchair to push their glasses back on their face, one that Erwin could have sworn he knew. The boy had stared at him for a while, before a trademark scowl appeared on his young, but still exceedingly handsome, face.

“No problem, Levi.” Erwin had replied, finally managing to choke the words out after having spent a few moments transfixed by the dark haired boy. “It’s all going to be okay.”

Levi didn’t remember him, and even if he had, nothing could be done. Levi was too young, and he had a terminal illness. It was impossible.

To make up for it, Erwin spent his time almost exclusively with the boy, who soon warmed to him and the stories he was told- stories of a long ago land, strange giants, and blue and white wings. The stories were so enthralling, and so, dare Erwin think it, familiar to Levi, that the boy had even taken to nicknaming his doctor ‘Commander Smith’, and in return was nicknamed ‘Captain Levi’. The nurses assured themselves that this was how he treated all the children, and that there was nothing out of the ordinary with the close bond the two had formed.

A few days after meeting Levi again, though, he had to break the news to the poor boy’s uncle that he had passed away. He wanted to hurt the sleazy looking man, not just because of the way he had been received by the man (“Why do you look so sad? Are you sure you didn’t like my nephew? He _was_ a good little slut, sometimes.”), but because he’d acted like Levi’s death was nothing. It made him feel sick. And, if he couldn’t hurt anyone else, there was only one thing he could do.

That night, Erwin took an overdose of the pills he kept in his cabinet at home. If Levi’s death was nothing, then Erwin’s death would be even less than that. He didn’t cry, though, not once, even though he could feel his heart breaking as his last breaths left him.

 --

The second time Erwin was reincarnated, he didn’t have to wait as long as the first time, only about 20 years, but not as long as Levi would have had to have waited for him. He still didn’t remember; although in fairness, Erwin didn’t expect an 80 year old man to remember much at all.

Erwin was working in an old people’s home, one that offered care for people towards the end of their lives. He could have been an angsty teen, confined to his room, listening to grunge music, or whatever else was popular in the 90s. But he wasn’t. He had to be a preppy do-gooder, because he had promised himself that he would find Levi, and that meant meeting people. Perhaps Levi’s uncle or someone would end up here, and then they’d meet. Finally, Erwin might have a chance of getting an answer to his question. It was the only place offering work, anyway, and it was as good a place to start as any.

He took great pleasure in hearing the old people talk, their stories beautifully rich and sometimes quite surprising. There was one old man in particular who told a tale of how he won a ridiculous amount of money in a game once. It was similar to Russian roulette, although it involved three cups, two with a deadly poison, and one with water. This man had used his amazing sense of smell to get the water, and win his life, along with a hefty amount of cash. He seemed familiar, although, Erwin couldn’t quite place it.

When Levi was wheeled in, Erwin had made sure to attach himself to him. His excuse was that the old people liked to see familiar faces, they liked continuity.

And continuity he had. Levi’s body was similar to what it had always been, small, lithe, and very pale. Even in old age, Erwin was terrified that Levi would be able to kill him with a single punch. And his sour attitude hadn’t changed either, nor his ability to insult anyone that looked at him wrong. But he was an old man, and his words lacked the bite that Erwin remembered.

Still, it was better than nothing.

In the end, Levi died in Erwin’s arms, mumbling something about wings. He didn’t even get a chance to ask him the question again.

But even so, he didn’t cry.

The old man had to be physically removed from Erwin, and he lost his job that night. Apparently, holding on to a corpse for that long wasn’t professional or some other bullshit like that.

It was fortunate enough, then, that on the drunken journey home that night, after he’d drowned his sorrows in the nearest bar, he was hit by a car. Erwin wasn’t sure whether it was an accident, or whether he’d purposely walked out into the road. Either way, he was hoping that he would have a better chance in the next life to get his question answered.

 ---

The third time Erwin was reincarnated, it was a long time before he managed to get a glimpse of a soldier on the opposite side that looked remarkably like Levi. The kid couldn’t have been more than 15, but looking around at his own troops, Erwin knew that desperate times called for desperate measures. A lot of young men were drafted in on both sides, giving fake ages just to fight for their countries.

It didn’t strike him as the sort of thing that Levi would do, and for a few days after having seen the boy, Erwin wondered if he had been pinned down in some German alleyway, one of the higher-ups barking at him to make a deal or lose his friends. He didn’t want to imagine how that turned out, especially since he knew exactly how it had turned out with him.

Before too much time had passed, the war was won, and the kid long gone, probably dead.

Erwin was a Commander on the English side, and he received some of the highest honours anyone had got from the whole bloody war. He was a hero, and he should have been able to have gone home and enjoyed his life.

When Erwin had returned home to his wife, a dear and strangely familiar nurse that had the most beautiful strawberry blond hair, and his two darling kids, it wasn’t the same as it was before. The image of Levi appeared everywhere, even when he was making love to his wife. 1945 was the year the war, and Erwin’s fourth life, ended. He probably would have been locked away somewhere, given the pitiful way mental illness was treated at the time, if the doctors had bothered to listen to the fact that a small, black haired child haunted him ever since the war, haunted him right up until he pulled the trigger. A lot of blood was lost, but no tears were shed. His suicide note, which he had left mostly for the universe, read “ _I need an answer from him._ ”

 ----

The fourth time Erwin was reincarnated, he had begun to lose hope of ever getting that answer.

He was in his forties when he met Levi again, working for the American Government on some top-secret initiative about superhuman soldiers, for some war that was going on at the time. It wasn't like the war he'd been part of before, more like the Cold War that had happened a hundred years prior. 

He had worked his whole life to get to a position of power, since he realised that was the only hope he had of finding the man he loved. He needed access to a wide database of people, and there was no better way to gain access to that sort of information than working for a deeply paranoid Government. They had information on every single person on the planet, he just needed time to search through it.

It was actually an accident that he’d ended up in the department he was in. He had wanted to do something involving the census, but, what he was doing wasn’t bad. He had a lot of money, and at least he wasn't alone.

The only reason he wasn't alone was his partner, his partner who was everything Erwin wasn’t; a family man, successful, happy. He had to suppress yawn every time the idiot spoke about his wife, Carla or something, and his two kids. He even had the misfortune to have been invited round their house for dinner, and it didn’t end well, at least not for Erwin. He found his partner’s daughter creepy, especially that red scarf she wore, and the son obnoxious. Perhaps it was the fact he found the kids familiar that he despised them so much.

Regardless, he was glad he didn’t have to go round ever again.

Even so, as much as Erwin hated his partner, he was quite smart. He managed to create a serum that would give the user superhuman strength, or so he had planned.

It wasn't as successful as Erwin had hoped.

They tested it out on a few subjects, the first two dying immediately, the third lasting for a few days, and then dying.

It was a shame that this third subject had piercing grey eyes and soft black hair. 

It was also a shame that the man even knew what Erwin’s name was, somehow.

It was even more of a shame that he didn’t get a chance to speak privately with the man, didn’t get a chance to ask him the question.

It wasn’t much of a shame, though, that the day after the testing had finished, the initiative was shut down, and a bullet ended up in both Erwin and his partner’s heads.

If he had cried that time round, it would have been tears of joy.

 -----

The fifth time Erwin is reincarnated, he has literally no hope left. It’s impossible. He’ll be alone for not just this life, but for the rest of them too. He wishes that this one is the last one. Positive thinking has never helped him before, but he isn’t about to give up on wishing for some sort of rest from life.

It’s Christmas Day, and he hates it. Christmas has always been the hardest for him, although in his other lives he’d had some form of distraction, whether it be keeping children, old people, troops, or his partner happy, he was always busy trying to spread some festive spirit. Now it’s just him, the head of some big shot company, living alone, the perfect bachelor life. He has everything, money, food, a large house, fast cars, everything he could ever want or need, except Levi.

He’s walking towards a bridge that night, thinking about how poetic it would be to end this life on what would be Levi’s birthday. Erwin wonders just how old Levi has turned today, probably a lot younger or a lot older than he is. That seems to be how the universe is playing it, and it makes sense. The universe has to have its revenge, especially given how many people Erwin sent to die in his first life. It’s only fair.

He stands looking out to the river, the moon illuminating the ripples, the ebbs and flows of one of the city’s watery veins. It must be freezing down there in the water. Erwin hopes that the fall will be the thing that kills him, not the freezing water, or worse still, the drowning. He recalls being told how much it burns to drown, to have the air sucked out of your lungs until you want to die, your heavy limbs unable to resist the beautiful, quiet lure of death, and even then you have to wait just a little longer until the water pressure makes your brain feel like it’s going to explode, and your heart pounds furiously, the sound of frantic beats all you can hear, the last sound that you’ll ever hear, in fact.

Erwin may want to die again, but he doesn’t want it to be painful.

He places his hands on the wall of the bridge, the wall being about hip height on Erwin. He runs his hands all along the top, and on the underside of the flat stone that juts out, the ledge Erwin will eventually jump from. He wants to remember every last detail of what he hopes will be his final life, and his final death.

“Happy birthday, Levi.” he calls to nothing but thin air. Then, he begins to sing it, sing that god awful ‘Happy Birthday’ song like the sad, broken old man he is.

“Shut up.” a familiar voice says, interrupting the tragic melody of Erwin’s song. “Some of us need to sleep at this fucking hour.”

Erwin smiles, because he’s finally lost it. He has finally cracked; thirty odd years in to what he hopes will be his last life.

“Of course, Levi... I’ll be quiet now. Remember, I love you.” he replies, beginning to lift himself up onto the side of the bridge. 

“What are you on? I said shut up, not kill yourself. And you’re really weird to be confessing your love to strangers. It's even weirder that you know my name and my birthday.” the voice continues, sounding angry, with the same gravelly tone that Erwin fantasises about every night, every night for the past few lives he’s had.

Erwin sits on the side for a while, pondering over whether the voice is in his head or not. He isn’t sure, since it sounds so very close, yet so very real.

“I know you, or at least, I hope I do.” he replies, after a few moments of silence. “Can I see you?”

“Fucking weirdo... Well, as long as you don’t have a knife or something, I suppose you can see me.” the voice says.

The man doesn’t wait for a reply, instead he instantly creeps out from beneath the flat ledge of the bridge, his resting place mere inches from where Erwin’s legs hang, a sleeping bag wrapped around his tiny body.

Erwin smiles again, immediately recognising the small homeless man, even if it is ridiculously dark out.

“Levi...” he murmurs. For once, Erwin has managed to meet him in a time and place that makes it possible for them to be together, but he’s not even sure whether the man in front of him is real or not.

“How do you know my name?” Levi presses, a scowl on his face. “That’s it; you’re a proper weirdo, aren’t you? I’ll find another spot to sleep in.”

And he begins to walk away. Erwin knows he can’t let Levi go because, imaginary or not, he needs him, not just because he wants an answer, but because he loves him.

So, Erwin jumps.

He jumps off the ledge, and he runs after the small man. He finally grabs hold of him, using Levi’s malnourished weakness to his advantage.

“Levi, wait-” Erwin begins. He feels the scrawny arm he has a hold of tensing up, and he wonders if he’s made a mistake with this whole thing. Levi could turn round and slash his throat or something. The saddest part is that Erwin doesn’t care.

“What the fuck just happened there?” Levi growls, and finally turns round to face Erwin, his face looking murderous, even in the dark.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I saw things when you touched me, weirdo. What was that?” he asks, anger radiating out of his small body.

“You’re remembering.” Erwin replies, finally letting go of the other man.

“Remembering what, Erwin?” Levi spits, before he realises. “Oh. Oh, my God. Erwin, it’s you!”

The shorter man immediately launches himself at Erwin, wrapping him in a tight embrace.

“Fucking hell, I’m so sorry!” he breathes, squeezing Erwin so hard it feels like he’ll crack a rib.

Erwin winds an arm round Levi, stroking his soft black hair with his other hand.

“It’s okay. I have you now. It’s all okay.” he says, bending his head down to kiss Levi. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too. And yes, yes of course.” Levi says, nuzzling his head into Erwin’s chest.

“You mean it?” Erwin asks, shocked that he’s finally got the answer he’s been searching for.

“Of course I mean it. Of course I’ll marry you. As long as you’ll take me, that is.” Levi replies. “I am homeless, and kind of filthy, you know.”

“I’ll take you however you are.” Erwin says, and he finally lets the tears fall from his eyes. "Happy birthday, Levi."

**Author's Note:**

> Well, there we go, folks. I hope people want to comment or something, and as always, if there are any mistakes, please point them out to me. Like, please!


End file.
